Power Rankings Headed into Week 9

Bye Minnesota!

1. Patriots (6-1): The offense hasn't missed a beat without Moss, and the defense has started to show up. (DL)

2. Steelers (5-2): Rapelisberger came back down to earth on Sunday against a stingy Saints D. They need to get Mike Wallace more involved (DL)

3. Colts (5-2): What has a brain, a high football IQ and a rocket arm? Peyton Manning. Doesn't matter who he plays with, he gets the job done. (DL)

4. Ravens (5-2): God’s Linebacker aka America’s Second Favorite Old Spice Model's squad is playing the fearsome defense its notorious for, oh and Ed Reed’s first game back he had 100 ints (check stat boy). Wait, they have to play offense too? Waka Flacco Flame, Ray Rice and Anquan have the talent, they are a sleeping beast that the NFL doesn’t want to wake up. (MP3)

5. Falcons (5-2): Matty Ice to Roddy White. Tough coverage, hand the rock to Burner Turner. The D is giving up less than 3 scores a game, we could be looking at the NFC Champs. (MP3)

6. Giants (5-2): What has half a brain, a mediocre football IQ, and feels like an unloved step child who lives in the basement? Eli Manning... But I could play QB with Nicks, Smith, Manningham, Bradshaw and a nasty D. (DL)

7. Packers (5-2): Defense shut out an 8th grade girls touch football offense on Sunday. Offense put up 9 points against the league's top D. They are getting the job done. (DL)

8. Jets (5-2): Cromartie should throw some of his 40 kids out there on offense, maybe they can take after dad and get some work done. (DL)

9. Saints (5-3): Drew Brees is having a mediocre season, there isn’t a healthy RB on the depth chart, and they are at the top of the league? Darren Sharper and the defense swipe anything not nailed down. (MP3)

10. Titans (5-3): Hello Randy Moss. Chris Johnson and Moss on the same team? He's getting 2500 yards, or Moss is getting 20 TD's... Pick your poison (DL)

11. Buccaneers (5-2): Stats are for losers. Looks like they found their RB in LaGarrette Blount Forced Trauma. (DL)

12. Chiefs (5-3): The Patriots’ minor league affiliates are playing major league ball.  JCharles, TJ, and Dex are poised to run amok in the coming weeks with games against Oakland, Denver and ‘Zona.  The young, talented D is 5^th in scoring. (MP3)

He's back...

13. Eagles (4-3): The greatest show on turf is back with a vengeance. Mike Vick and his dogs homeys are playing hard ball. (MP3)

14. Texans (4-3): The "Arian" Race has demonstrated superiority versus inferior opponents.  If Brian Cushing can get the secondary pumped up (legally), they could steal a playoff spot in the brutal AFC South. (MP3)

15. Rams (4-4): Should be 5-4 with a weekend win over the Niners. Sam Bradford is the real deal. (DL)

16. Dolphins (4-3): The definition of mediocre. It sucks to be a fan in Miami because no matter what, you leave after the 3rd quarter. (MP3)

17. Bears (4-3): Emo boy QB and the Bears are coming off a bye. Hopefully they worked out their problems in the week off or else they may get run by the Bills. Their 3rd ranked scoring D may get outsmarted by the Harvard Grad. (DL)

18. Redskins (4-4): Mike Shanahan's should stick to spray tans.  All that radiation had him thinking that Rex Grossman could run the two minute offense better than McNabb. I didn't think he paid attention to NFC playoff games when he was coaching the Broncos. (MP3)

Hey, we belong higher!

19. Chargers (3-5): Philip Rivers set the all time record for most passing yards through 8 games. I have a feeling this team is coming back with a vengeance, time for their annual 8 game win streak. (DL)

20. Raiders (4-4): The ULTIMATE Any Given Sunday Team. I picked them to win 8 because every game is essentially a coin flip for them. Run DMC’s team could mess up a lot of people’s agendas late in the season. (MP3)

21. Jaguars (4-4): Another hit or miss team. MJD has been relatively quiet, and Garrard is up and down.  Maybe they can spoil some teams' playoff aspirations en route to another marginal season. (MP3)

22. Seahawks (4-3): NFC West is absolutely horrible this year. The Hawks are a bottom 5 team if they played in any other division. (DL)

23. Vikings (2-5): Brett Favre curled up in the fetal position, Randy Moss throwin lunch trays, and 0 sacks for Jared Allen? Brad Childress couldn't even lead a Girl Scout Troop. Cookies anyone? (DL)

24. Lions (2-5): Staff is back and Megatron is pleased.  Best should heal, and Donkey Kong Suh's defense need to work out the kinks. Without Millen calling the shots, they might actually draft a need again this offseason. (MP3)

25. Bengals (2-5): In Cincinnati, Ocho Uno > Ocho Cinco.  Batman and Robin? I don't even think Chad could be the butler here. On a more positive note, I can't remember any recent arrests. Moral Victory! (MP3)

26. Cowboys (1-6): No comment (DL)

27. Cardinals (3-4): Fitzgerald is kicking himself, wishing he could have jumped ship.  Steve Nash is now the only capable passer in Arizona. (MP3)

28. Browns (2-5): Cleveland's #1 export is depressing, untalented teams.  I bet the Dawg Pound wishes they could pick up and leave in the middle of the night. (MP3)

29. 49ers (2-6): The whole team has taken after Singletary and have been playing with their pants around their ankles... Maybe Troy Smith is the savior... but probably not... (DL)

No matter how fast I paddle, I can't get out of here

30. Broncos (2-6): Speaking of saviors, Tebow scored again... (DL)

31. Bills (0-7): Just claimed Sean Merriman... But the lights are already out in Buffalo. (DL)

32. Panthers (1-6): Duke and UNC look good this year. (MP3)